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Hubby and Me

I want to express myself openly because I don’t want to bite my tongue on this topic anymore. This post and responses to this topic could go on forever, but this will be as short as I can keep it. I won’t touch on everything, but I’ll mention a few things.

I am a very proud Black woman. I want to see Black communities thrive, Black women and men succeed in their education and jobs. I want to uplift the Black race. I want to see more Black families taking vacations rather than single parents in the club every weekend. I want to see majority Black fathers happily married to the mother of their children. But I have a question… Is my marriage of less importance within the Black community because I chose to marry a White man? Why is there such a great emphasis on “Black love” instead of “love” in general?

The main question here is why are so many Black women so hesitant to date outside their race?

Is it because of the vivid mental picture we have about what “Black love” is supposed to look like? I read a quote recently that said, “what screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.” I, like many other Black women, was a little closed minded and slightly brainwashed by what I had seen on television, in movies, and read in books and I had this facade in my mind that Black men are the only ones who take care of their woman a certain way. I thought White men aren’t as strong as Black men mentally, and they may not stand up for their family against other men if necessary. I wanted someone tough who would stand his ground no matter what and thought that only a Black (or even Hispanic) man could do that for his woman and family. And I can’t forget to mention skin tone! What woman of color wants a non-chocolate, non-caramel, pale man? I just now chuckled at myself. They’re all very immature thoughts. I even know a couple of grown White women who only dates Black men for most of those very reasons.

There’s also many stereotypes that I was worried about, things people would think of me. I have not dealt with any negativity since I’ve been with my husband, but I sure do read a lot. I’ll name a few stereotypes I’ve read about Black women who date outside their race: 1. they’ve been hurt by Black men and gave up on them. 2. they’re “Oreos”, “act White”, grew up in a predominantly White area. 3. They want to be White. And the criticisms… We’re sellouts. We hate our race. We hate ourselves!

They’re ALL FALSE! Well, for me they sure are. I love my race. I love every race. I find Black men attractive. I’m not an “Oreo”, nor did I grow up in a predominantly White area. Again, I’m a proud Black woman and far from a sellout. What am I selling out to anyways? I’ve also heard this saying, “White people don’t know our struggle.” My thoughts are that they know about as much as we do. I wasn’t sold into slavery or sprayed with a water hose. But just as I feel hurt, sympathy, and sadness thinking about our great ancestors who went through it, so does my husband. He has a heart, he has emotions. Any person in their right mind would feel horrible about what happened. Even with the prejudices some people still face today. Have I faced any? No. But I see things on the news, read, and have heard stories.

My LOVE Story… Kind of.

In the beginning, I was VERY skeptical about dating a White guy. I almost didn’t and it was because of all the aforementioned reasons. About a month or two before I met my husband, my father told me to write a list of all the [realistic, logical] qualities I wanted in a husband and don’t settle. My list went something like this: loves kids, has no kids, willing to accept my kid as his own, good morals, has a relationship with God OR open to it, funny, outgoing, clean, very smart and intelligent, has a job, has a good plan for his future, not an aspiring rapper or singer, doesn’t smoke, drink, or club, has a car, his own place, tall, brown, caramel skin, athletic. Keep in mind, that was about 6 years ago and at the time I had all those qualities myself except… I was a single mother and I’m not athletic.

When I met my husband, he had all of the above minus one: brown, caramel skin. I actually have the most pale of them all. He can’t even tan, he just gets sun burned really bad. He’s strawberry-blonde haired and freckled. Could his physical get any more white?! When you first meet a guy, to some appearance matters, it’s important. You want to be physically attracted to whomever you date. It mattered to me. I thought he was (still is) very handsome. He has a very nice smile, dimples, clean cut, nice body shape, tall. Those are all the other physical attributes I took into consideration and after the first date, I could care less about his skin color because more important than his physical, he treated me very well. When someone treats you the way you want to be treated, the little things, like skin color, no longer matters.

Truth is… I married outside my race to a man who treats me like a queen and shares many of the same [wordly] views as me. A man who wasn’t difficult. He didn’t leave me in question about his feelings towards me, he was very open and honest about EVERYTHING. My husband accepted my daughter from a past relationship as his very own. My husband is very protective of his family, he’s not a punk because he’s white and he doesn’t “act Black” either. Not a typical White guy, but far from a “whigga”. He’s a wonderful provider and a very hard worker. My husband has disproved every doubt I had in my mind against why I should NOT date him and if I didn’t give him a chance we both would have missed out on all the wonderful things we have now including our beautiful family.

I’m not saying all single women NEED to date outside their race, however, I am saying don’t knock the idea. If you’re single, don’t say or believe you could never date outside your race. If a seemingly nice White, Asian, Latino, etc. man approaches you, don’t turn him away, you never know what God has in store for you. Give him the same attention you would give a Black man. God made us all in His image- a HUMAN image. Do you think He would really limit us to only date someone who is the same race? GOD IS LOVE and He is the creator of all people and if God doesn’t judge us by our physical appearance, why do we judge by physical appearance, more specifically, skin color? This is not the Jim Crow era anymore. As Martin Luther King, Jr. said “… not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” God is not a respecter of persons so why are we?

What matters most is that we chose to be with someone we can trust with our life, someone who is a good provider, is honest, has integrity, and who TRULY loves us and skin color doesn’t determine any of those factors.

Random addition: Imagine how crazy and racist it would sound if White couples went around freely using the term “White Love”. I’m sorry, but that would be hilarious.